Learning effective and compassionate communication skills is a must if you want to have a great sex life past the honeymoon. Sex in an intimate relationship should get better and better, more and more amazing with time, rather then gradually fade away, which is so often the case. Some couples are fortunate and sex gets better all by itself over the years and decades. But more often then not there are some skills couples need to learn before that can happen.
An old Sufi tradition advises us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through four gates.
At the first gate, we ask ourselves, “Are these words true?” If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go.
At the second gate we ask; “Are they necessary?”
At the third gate we ask; “Are they beneficial?” and
at the fourth gate, we ask, “Are they kind?” If the answer to any of these is no,
then what you are about to say should be left unsaid.
At the same time leaving things unsaid when it comes to your sex life is a mistake that has ruined countless marriages. Initially, when your sex life isn’t quite how you would like it, but you don’t know exactly what to say, saying nothing is the easiest out. But over time, if you don’t speak up about what works for you and what you need, it very likely will slowly and gradually extinguish the spark. It’s a slow death but that does’t mean it’s not painful. As I work with many couples who are seeking answers for their dwindling sex life, I have a pretty good idea how it looks. It’s like death by starvation.
Unfortunately, not saying anything in an intimate relationship, when the flow and passion and fantastic sex have disappeared, or never been there in the first place, you can’t just keep quiet. It will be the certain end of the relationship.
That’s why learning some communication skills is crucial.
I hope you have heard my point that it is necessary.
So you wonder how do I make my conversations around sex, honest, beneficial and kind.
I always recommend Marshal Rosenberg’s books and courses on Non-violent Communication Techniques. In my opinion his tools are a must for any couple that wants to be a great couple for a long time.
Here a quick synopsis of the tools. It’s four sequential steps:
Step 1) State your experience without blame.
Step 2) Say how this makes you feel.
And by the way : “I feel that you should….” is not a feeling,
feelings are things like: happy, sad, angry, scared etc.
They don’t carry judgement
Step 3) Think about and then share what your underlying need is in the situation. Often this takes some soul-searching. We often stay on the surface with our communication and therefore miss the mark. Find out what your real need is in any situation of seemingly conflicting needs. Chances are that once you discover the underlying need there no longer is a conflict.
Once again, state your need without blame or judgement, work super hard at keeping blame and judgement out of the entire conversation.
Step 4 of the tools of non-violent communication is the most important one. Done well, step 4 may be all that you ever need.
Step 4) Let yourself know or imagine what it is you would like to experience with your partner and then ask for it in a sentence that starts with the following words:
“Would you be willing to……”
Don’t make demands, don’t complain, just ask for what you would like.
Now my homework to you: Whether you are currently in relationship or not, dream far and wide about what you would like in you sex life, let yourself imagine what you would like to experience and learn to put those dreams into words, gentle, kind, honest, vulnerable words. Don’t be too vague or your partner will not know what you really want. But ask kindly.
Remember, whatever you want to ask for, your sentence starts with:
“Would you be willing to…..”
For more skills and ideas on how to make your love life sacred, check out my audio program