True tantric sex is messy sometimes

Does the image of these dolphins playing seem tidy to you? Not really, but it sure looks like they are having fun. To let the pleasure of sexuality show you its full beauty, you need to let your love making be messy sometimes. Fears, anger, tears, laughter, trembling, talking gibberish, becoming still when you think you should be getting progressively hotter, all these are things that will come up if you open sexually, if you allow your simple truth.

It’s the paradox of  Tantra  that sometimes we need all kinds of practices to become more simple. But it’s really important to be clear that all Tantra is really trying to teach is to be simple and aligned with what is true. Any tantric practice is for that purpose alone, to be more simple and real, to open to the simple magnificence of  what is. To have beautiful sex requires no technical knowledge whatsoever and so it is important not to misunderstand the purpose of any practice. Whether it is the practice of breathing deeply, chanting a mantra, yoga poses, visualizing, or  any other method or technique, if it’s not about becoming more simple, relaxed, easy and clear it’s not a practice worth pursuing.

I’ve already discussed that some people have this notion that tantric sex is some sort of high tech version of sex and how false an idea that is. To have really beautiful sex we need to learn to listen to our soul’s true nature, we need to become more natural, more aligned with nature, more instinctual, more simple.

Which also means more vulnerable. It’s easy to take all your clothes off and have sex, but to be emotionally naked is a whole other matter. Sharing our fears, hopes, upsets and dreams is what opening our soul to someone is really about. But we are so used to protecting parts of us from ourselves and others, we are so accustomed to acting acceptable and not being too much of anything.

The good thing about sex is that when the pleasure of physical contact opens us, all parts of us open, also the wounded, discarded parts of us. So when during love play something we are not familiar with comes up, all we have to do is to have the courage to do nothing, to let it happen and not take action to hide what is coming up. Don’t push anything away, don’t contract because you don’t know where this feeling will take you. It’s not just dark emotions like fear and anger that we fear. We fear pretty much anything unfamiliar, even if it is the opening of our own life force, some call it Kundalini energy. When our energy body first awakens it can be pretty disconcerting and emotional, for some even scary. Just let yourself happen, bring a loving “yes” to all that arises. Our body will not open to more than our being is ready to handle.

Being spiritual can get in the way of good sex. The trap that spiritual people sometimes fall into, is that they wish to be positive no matter what. And indeed, an important part of growing spiritually is gaining the understanding that we have choice in how we view things and that seeing the glass half full is more useful than half empty. But being positive at all cost can lead to denial of what is real, and unconscious contraction can result.

Don’t get stuck in some image of what good sex should look like or that it should be all smiles and bliss. If you are in a relationship as you read this, discuss what I wrote here with your partner and see if you two together can make an agreement to allow your lovemaking to be messy if that is what wants to happen. Agree to give each other room for self exploration while you make love.

If you are single, just agree with yourself that you will not contract yourself to be acceptable in any situation, whether that is shopping in the isle of the super market or on your next date. I think you will discover that it is a fun way to live life.

How messy is your love life? Please let me know what this article touches in you.

Aloha, Niyaso

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Tantra, Sex for the Soul

an audio home study course on making your love life all it can be



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