Honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac. The safety and trust that develop when we’re able to speak our truth and know that is has been received, creates a relaxation and openess that’s an incredible turn on. Honesty leads to intimacy, honesty leads to getting your needs met, honesty leads to feeling free, honesty leads to clearing up misunderstandings, honesty is liberating. And if you are choosing the path of tantric sex, honesty is a must.
At the same time honesty can also lead to hurt feelings and all the stuff that comes with that. That’s why I need to qualify my statement a little bit. Some times so-called honesty can be cruel and destructive. We need to learn to be honest with vulnerability, care, and consideration. We need to learn gentle, non-blaming ways of communicating what’s really going on with us. We need to learn to give and receive messages about preferences of touch and sexual play without creating hurt feelings and emotional withdrawal. Don’t make it about what the other one is doing wrong or not doing right, but about your own subjective feelings, experience and needs.
For example, instead of saying: “I don’t like the way you touch me” or “no, not like this” or “you never do such and such anymore”, you could say: “I think if you touched me a little more …….. that would feel better” or “Would you be willing to try such and such?” Speaking about what would feel good to you is much less of a potential trigger for feelings of rejection then saying what doesn’t feel good.
If it’s hard for you to know what to say, let your body do the talking, let your body tell your partner what would feel good.
Let your skin, your flesh, your senses do the asking, let your vagina and penis speak, let you clitoris or your cervix speak, or let your testicles and tip of your penis speak.
I really mean that, ask yourself this following question sometime when you are in the middle of love play:
If my vagina could speak what would she want to say to the body, hands, mouth and penis of my lover, how would she describe her wishes?
If my penis had words, if I would let him do the talking, how would he describe his experience, questions, wants and needs, what would he say to the body and vagina of my beloved?
Then just relax and listen to the answers your body gives, you may be surprised.
Another key guideline: Timing is everything! Don’t bring up things that are difficult to talk about in a stressed and tense moment or when you are rushed for time or when either one of you is already not feeling good.
That’s why I suggest to couples: Make it a routine part of your relationship to have an honesty moment each week specifically about your sex life. It is a fast, direct and easy way to move onto the path of tantric sex. Choose a time when you are both relaxed and ready to listen. This honesty moment can happen in or out of the bedroom, it is meant as a tool to say things that just don’t seem to want to come out any other way.
If you feel like you just heard something that makes you feel like you are a lousy lover, commit to not taking it personally. Be a grown up. To move deeper into love we need to get real. Get excited about the new possibilities this sharing will bring to your love life.
As always I invite your thoughts and feeling about what I write,
with warm Aloha, Niyaso