Learning to love ourselves is such a cliched phrase, but it is probably the hardest and at the same time the most important thing in life. This is not only in order to feel good about ourselves, which is in itself about the only thing that matters, but also to have a good relationship. And for sure in order to have a great sex life we need to be able to love ourselves enough to allow for a little messiness. What do I mean by that? Great sex is not always this thing that we fantasize about. It is not often this amazing, mind-blowing orgasmic delight that happens effortlessly and we swoon and life is enchanted. Granted, sex, under the right circumstances, can take us to some amazingly open places with very little effort. But how many of you have those perfect circumstances consistently in your life? And I am not talking to any of you who are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Only if your honeymoon has lasted more then 2 years, then I totally want to talk to you because you have secrets that need sharing.
Ok, so most people have this fantasy that finding the right partner will make things better, or if they have a partner, finding the right tips and tricks for sex will magically make their love life great.
Even though I have a video clip entitled Tantric sex tips for better lovemaking that is getting lots of views, I have to admit that when I chose the title I was being a little tricky. These tips I give involve some courage, a deep willingness to try something new. They are an invitation to allow all parts of us to play in the relationship, even our inner children, the most vulnerable parts of ourselves.
That is why I call our inner children heroes, because to open up can be very scary and for them to be willing to show themselves to us and to our partner requires courage.
So how do we learn to open like this, to love our inner children?
For most of us it is much easier to love others than it is to love ourselves. We mostly don’t have too much trouble loving our outer children, our pets, a special person we don’t live with, even our partners (even though this one often comes with lots of struggles ) Once we are in a committed, longterm, intimate relationship, usually the going is not so easy, but not many of us realize that all the struggles of relationship are by and large mirrors of the struggles we have within ourselves.
So either way we look at it, attending to our inner world is so worth it. Right now, or whenever you are ready to take on this experiment, think of a pet or a child or someone or something that you find easy to love. Really take a moment to feel that love, go be with that being or call them on the phone if you can. Feel the flavour of the love, the ease, the sweetness, spend a few moments really loving them. Now bring that same love and turn it on yourself, shower yourself with that same unconditional love.
Spend some minutes loving yourself up. The Taoists have a meditation they call the inner smile meditation. If it’s easier for you that way, just sit and imagine source or god or you higher self smiling at you. Cultivate this inner smile. Find any way that works for you to give yourself some time of self-appreciation.
Whether you succeed or fail with this exercise you will gain something. If you succeed, good for you, if you fail good for you too, because now you have some data about yourself that you didn’t have before. You now know that is is not so easy. You know that it is time to give that inner child of yours some air time in any way you can. Do something playful, listen to him or her and find out what he or she wants to do. Then go and do it. Give yourself as much time as you give to others.
And the funny thing is, once we feel good about ourselves it really doesn’t matter if we have a partner or not, and it is so much easier to love our partner if we have one.
And if you are someone that has a harder time with loving yourself then others don’t beat yourself up. Some people are dealt cards already as little kids that set them up for a lifetime of struggle? That’s not because of some unlucky events or bad karma, it’s not some penalty for sins of the past or because God has abandoned them.
People with tough childhoods are courageous souls. They are so hell bent on growth and discovering freedom that they agree to very difficult life circumstances before they are independent enough to call the shots. That’s gutsy from a soul point of view.
You are likely one of those souls. Keep playing with loving yourself and your inner hero child will eventually start playing back.
May all children be happy, including the ones inside each of us, with love, Niyaso
For more support on allowing your inner child in your intimate relationship
check out my audio course Tantra, Sex for the Soul