Opening your heart through sex: Part 4

continued from last post   ……. Allowing feelings will help you increase your sexual enjoyment. So make a little more room for your own emotions and those of your partner in your sex life. You won’t need to stop the lovemaking when something comes up. You can cry and make love. You can sob, and laugh, and enjoy pleasure all at the same time; letting your tears flow is such a healing force. You can also feel rage and make love simultaneously. This can be quite wild and you may need to negotiate with your partner beforehand what is acceptable and what is not. More often than not, our partners have more room for our emotions than we do.

For example, if you find yourself getting angry in the middle of lovemaking, tell your partner and ask if it’s OK to go with it. Don’t hurt each other. You can experience the energy of anger without hurting someone. You can growl, you can grunt, you can hiss, it can be a tremendous turn on and a lot of fun! Enjoy it as energy and let this energy arise until it changes again. Great intimacy can be invoked if you both allow your feelings to flow freely as they come up during lovemaking.

I was working with a young couple that came to see me because sex hadn’t been good for some time. After asking a few questions it became clear that when the lovemaking got deeper, she felt anger arising in her. She felt the urge to hit her partner, push him away, and still make love with him. So we negotiated that she’d have permission to do exactly that, with two stipulations: she wasn’t to hurt him in any way, and if she had the impulse to push him away he would hold her even more strongly instead, so she could feel his love. After experimenting with this just once they both reported that their sex life had never been hotter.

Ultimately it’s the ability to surrender and to let go of control that makes for great sex. It’s ok cry or laugh at the same time as you are in a passionate embrace getting close to orgasm. It’s ok to growl and hiss or to tremble and shiver in fear. When you are willing to let your feelings flow, like clouds passing across the sky, and you feel safe with that, you come to trust that they make for hot, beautiful sex. These feelings are like a thunderstorm or a rain shower that washes everything clean. Feelings can be negotiated in a way that they are not hurtful or traumatizing but rather enriching and enlivening. Let your feelings be like the weather, don’t avoid them, don’t seek them out, just let them come and go.

continued in next post

excerpted from “Tantra, Sex for the Soul” an audio program on 5 CDs by Niyaso Carter

check it out at

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