Opening your heart through sex: Part 3

To have truly great sex you need to open your entire self, and that includes your feelings, whatever they may be. It’s impossible to open your heart selectively. You can’t open just one part of you, just your “sexy, happy self” and keep the part other aspects under wraps. If you try to do that, sex will be mediocre at best. If you want to go really high, you need to be willing to go deep as well.

Our great mystics knew this. And our most famous poets down the ages often speak of this too: how joy and rapture are entwined with longing, rage, grief and despair. Making friends with your feelings is going to improve your sex life, whether these feelings are joy, fear, bliss, rage, sadness or love. I mean this very literally.

Allowing feelings to well up while we’re sexual is important for beautiful lovemaking. Of course this contradicts the perfect picture of romance and hot sex that we have in our heads. It’s especially hard when we consider that the feelings that might come up for us could be anger, fear, grief, or other less acceptable ones. Yet there’s so much erotic juice bound up in emotions, so much intimacy to be gained from allowing them, often from the ones that we try to hold back because we consider them unfit for the bedroom.

It’s not only the darker emotions that we fear. Many of us are also afraid of being somehow “too much”, and so what we often suppress is abandoned joy, the giggles, rapture, bliss. Most of us carefully monitor the noises we make, we have acceptable sex noises and unacceptable ones, right? Of course it’s good to be considerate of your neighbours, but whenever the circumstances allow, it’s great if you can just let go.

The body follows the heart; when the heart is open the body opens too.
Often it is repression of our feelings that makes the sex less than special, because it takes energy to hold those back, energy that would otherwise be available for lovemaking. In trying to protect ourselves, or our partner, from our feelings, we tone down the intensity and steer away from surrendered opening. We choose instead to control what’s happening rather than feel potentially unexpected feelings. We do this even when it keeps us from bliss.

It is this controlling that makes sex be less then fulfilling. When we don’t allow feelings to well up in us, we go numb instead. All of a sudden, from one to moment to the next we don’t feel anything where before we were quite alive. Men and women tend to react quite differently in this situation.

The mistake men then often make is that they know something is missing, they can feel that sense of numbness, but they don’t know why it came over them, so they go for purely physical gratification. They go for the orgasm. In the long term they may reach out for sex toys or resolve to learn some fancy new sex technique, or they ask their partner to go to an S’n’M club and so on. These can all be great fun things to do but they may not give you what’s missing.

Women for the most part react in a totally different way. When women can’t feel and go numb they are done, they just loose interest in sex. They have the proverbial headache. And so they don’t get the intimacy and passion that was possible either.

continued in next post

excerpted from “Tantra, Sex for the Soul” an audio program on 5 CDs by Niyaso Carter

check it out at

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