So what can you do as a female if you are with a guy, sex is good but could be better, and he is not proactive in making it better, like he does not ask the questions I suggested to guys in my last post but you would really like him to? The easiest solution is that you send him my last post, but if you are too shy to do that, or worse you do it and he doesn’t get it, don’t give up, there is still lots that you can do. In fact there is things that you must do if you want the connection to continue to grow and not just be stuck in a rut.
Before I go into what you can do I need to give a strong caution about what not to do.
Never, ever, ever, ever make his sexuality wrong, or his touch, or what he says or doesn’t say when you are sexual together. Don’t make him wrong, period. Take the the following words and phrases out of your vocabulary right now. “Don’t do this”, “No,not like this”, “That doesn’t feel good”, “I dont’ like this”, “I’m frustrated” , “I’m not satisfied”, “you always…”, “you never….”, “this turns me off”, “you need to learn to be a better lover”. Anything that resembles blame or criticism, don’t go there!
There is ways of getting what you want in bed that are much more elegant and unlike the above approach they actually work.
How, you ask? If I need him to change how he touches me I need to tell him what doesn’t feel good, don’t I?
Wrong, you simply can tell him what will feel good, or what might feel even better.
If you have a guy who can handle the plain and naked truth you are a lucky women, those guys are rare, but they do exist, but be careful even the most loving man with the greatest self esteem when told too many times that he is doing something wrong may eventually feel defeated. Don’t be a frog farmer, meaning don’t turn him from a prince into a frog. Many women inadvertently do that with their partners. (Credit for the term frog farmer goes to Alison Armstrong author of “The amazing development of men”.)
Besides there is absolutely no need to focus on what does not feel good, just ask for what would feel good and he will be so happy to try it.
Instead of saying: “Don’t touch me like this”, simply show him or describe to him what feels good to you. If you have a super sensitive guy you can gently say, “I love your touch and I have discovered what would feel even better, can I show you?”
Remember he never learned this stuff in school, there was no class entitled “How to please a woman sexually” or “How to be a great lover” in college, let alone in highschool. There should be of course, but there isn’t. So don’t be hard on him. Allow yourself to be the sweet, understanding, knowing goddess that knows what she wants and needs and is gently sharing this information with her lover. And I want you to give yourself permission to feel that way whether you are 18 or 80.
The biggest mistake women make is not believing in themselves, not trusting that they actually really do know what they want and need, and that is because there wasn’t a class entitled “Show your man how to please you” in college either. So, women, if you can just stop telling yourself that you don’t know enough you will discover that your body and heart know exactly what is needed.
Because women don’t believe in themselves they often take the stance that he needs to know it and give it to her, but so often that just doesn’t work.
Don’t short change yourselves, ladies, you do know exactly what you want and need sexually once you get over your shame and lack of self trust, if you are willing to listen to your body. If you ask it, this divine temple will talk to you gladly, often with great poetry and clarity and precision.
So it may go like this: You are in bed and things are maybe not as great as they could be. If you don’t already know what to gently ask for, feel into your body and ask it: “Tell me what would feel better now?” “What touch, tempo, words, emotions or contact would feel even better?” “What could I ask for of my lover?” And then you simply listen and translate what your body tells you to your partner. You can even be as blunt as saying: My body would love it if you slowed down a little, or my vagina/yoni would so enjoy it if you thrust from a slightly different angle for a while, may I show you what angle would feel better?
Another way to ask is by starting with the phrase: “Would you be willing to try……
Would you like to know what feels really good to me?………..
And let him know when it feels good: How you are touching me right now feels great.”
It may take some pretending but think of yourself as a temple high priestess with all the knowledge in the world in sacred sex, think what the priestess would gently suggest to a novice lover.
Another thing you have to be willing to do is be very specific, here is an example: “When you go down on me my love, I love your gentle licking around my clitoris and your tongue can be a little harder when you are further away from it but when you are right on my little button it feels best when you are feather light, actually even a little lighter then this, and when you kiss it, would you make your lips really soft, and suck super light, even lighter, wow that’s great.” You get the picture?
This is just an example of how specific you need to get, your body may like it totally differently then what I just described above. My point here is, you must be specific and you can not be too specific. You just need to stay aware to keep your asking positive, a little slip up now and then he can probably handle but overall stay away from the words “don’t” or “no” or from expecting that he should know what you like.
Use instead phrases like:
I think what would feel even better is this……
Be gentle and kind with yourself and your lover and you will be amazed at the radical change that can take place in a short time.
I always welcome your feedback, experiences and ideas.
There is lots more suggestions to be found in my audio program Tantra, Sex for the Soul” https://sacredloving.net/SacredSexStore_pages/Audio5CDs.html