I often compare fantastic, transcendental sex to taking off in an airplane. (Everything I describe here also applies to meditation, by the way.) You start out and all seems fine and then all of a sudden, the plane shudders because there is clouds. In the case of sex or meditation, there is feelings. The clouds come in the form of emotions. Avoiding feelings is equivalent of either aborting the flight all together because of clouds or possibly worse, staying at low altitude below the clouds, having a mediocre and bumpy ride, being bashed around by the weather. On a plane ride fortunately the pilot knows and most people out of personal experience know that the cloudcover won’t last. It’s a temporary thing and the clear blue sky above is waiting. You just have to get through the clouds. I wish more people could take that attitude when it comes to having sex. Don’t abort the whole thing just because there is some bumps, like someone cries or gets angry or goes numb. But alternately, don’t try to keep going while avoiding what’s really happening. Don’t pretend the tears, anger or numbness are not happening either. That’s how sex ends up less then ecstatic, because we try to hold down the feelings, most of the time quite unconsciously. We don’t even know that we hold something down, but the indicator is that we feel less then ecstatic, less then totally alive and loving every second of every moment. Like Osho states in the video clip (see my last post): “Ecstasy is your nature. If you are not ecstatic your are doing something to hold it down.” The problem is that we are so used to holding feelings down we are not even aware that we are doing it anymore.
I worked with a couple recently who was wanting to have more fun in bed. Upon asking them if they meditated, she answered: “Yes I’ve tried it, but I always start crying, and that feels wrong so I get up and do something else”. It turned out that she had not had the support to grieve the death of her mother some years prior. Upon my suggestion she allowed the tears from then on, both during meditation and sex. A few weeks later she sent me an email and said that their sex life, I quote, ” ..is off the charts fantastic, way beyond what we thought was possible”.
If you wonder what I am talking about or whether this might apply to you, I invite you to take on this little experiment: Next time you are having sex that is not particularly interesting or special, ask yourself , if I would be having an emotion right now, what would it be? Then be wide open, welcoming any answer. If you are sitting in meditation and you get lost in thought or feel uncomfortable ask yourself the same thing. Let the emotion be like a cloud in the sky, allow it to come and allow it to pass.
It will pass, clear blue skies await you.
I would love to receive your comments and hear about your experiences.
more on this topic to come soon