Therapist David Schnarch has wisely written of love and sex starved relationships: “Given the mediocre sex that lies behind common complaints of sexual boredom, lack of sexual desire often actually reflects good judgement. Rather than focusing on the low desire partner, clinicians should wonder more about the high desire partner who often wants more of the usual. Often he or she does not know enough about sex or intimacy to realize the sex her or she is having may not be worth wanting.”
I couldn’t agree more that this is something to be considered when trying to resolve unbalanced desire. In my audio program Tantra, Sex for the Soul I devote a whole section to the topic because it is so prevalent, but David Schnarch sums up one very common reason for unbalanced sexual desire brilliantly.
There are of course a number of other reasons why one partner wants sex more then the other. So if you are the one that wants it more don’t be offended. Whatever the reason, just know that there is lots you can do to bring the balance back. And if indeed you are the partner that wants it more often, and you are brave enough to be willing to rock you self-esteem boat a little, you may want to ask yourself and your partner some difficult questions. Like: Ask yourself: Could it be true that the sex that I am having could be better? Might it be true that the sex I’m offering is not worth wanting? And if your honest answer is a “maybe” or a “yes” don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not your fault, you were never taught how to be a great lover, it wasn’t on the curriculum of your school, or your college. Mostly what you learned was misinformation picked up along the trail from dubious sources. So what to do? Here are some questions that you could ask your partner: “What would you like me to do differently in bed?” or “Tell me what you would like sexually that’s currently not happening?”
It’s hard to address this stuff but really all that is at stake is a bit of a blow to the old ego. You can handle that, right? Weigh your choices: A bit of an ego ruffle followed by a potentially vastly improved sex life on one hand, versus no ego ruffle but the same unsatisfying status quo remains. It’s really a no-brainer isn’t it?
Speak up, I promise you the rewards are so worth it.
For more tips and questions that you could ask you can go back to my post from 9/30
For a more complete and comprehensive guidance on this topic check out my audio program Tantra, Sex for the Soul”: