Even with the fullest understanding of the Law of Attraction, many people find that often their manifesting endeavors don’t work, but what does this have to do with feeling and Tantra and tantric sex?

To have the best sex you ever had and to fully manifest your life dreams, for both these desirable outcomes, you need to be able to feel.

Being able to feel everything is a crucial key ingredient both in having a divine and amazing sex life and the ability to create your own reality. In fact Tantra’s message is practically synonymous with the sentence: “Experience everything fully and deeply!”

We can only feel what we are conscious of. Many of us have unconscious default programs running much like a computer who has been programmed on start up to open certain software without us having to double click on the icon. We wake up in the morning and the software opens unbeknownst to us. Unbeknownst that is, unless we pay attention to our feelings. For instance, the message that some of us picked up as a child that “life is not a bed of roses”, has caused a “expecting bad things to happen” program to run as a sort of below the radar small application that nevertheless affects everything.

Why does positive thinking and affirmation have little effect so many times? Why do even people who are fully willing to subscribe to the law of attraction and the fact that they create their own reality often end up disheartened, feeling that maybe it does not work after all? Or worse, that they are doing it all wrong?

Let’s just say that most of us have a limited ability to feel, or maybe more precisely, most of us don’t allow ourselves to feel as fully as we could. Feeling we do, but if the feeling goes even a little bit into the range of uncomfortable we dodge it like a bullet. And that is essentially healthy, just sometimes we are a little bit too quick with it. We kind of shut down not just the uncomfortable feeling, but feeling alltogether. We go numb, maybe only a little bit, but still, we are less aware and conscious. That’s mostly because when we were little we didn’t have the reasoning capacity to investigate our bad feelings, nor access to the resources to make ourselves feel better. Faced with a bad situation, bad feelings were therefore better ignored. It was less painful that way. A default program was created that said: “When x happens I do y.”And it has been running ever since.

I have been a long time believer in the law of attraction materials, especially those of “Abraham” as presented by Esther and Jerry Hicks. Even so, as a therapist and counselor there is one area that continues to baffle me: If the law of attraction is so easily explained and understood by the mind, if we know that our feelings show us what we are vibrating, what our thoughts are attracting, why do not more people create exactly what they want with ease?

For those of you for whom this is a new language, let me explain it in a nutshell: The law of attraction is based on the premise that “like attracts like” and that similar vibrations attract each other. Another premise is that each thought and feeling is a vibration and what we think determines what we feel.  How we feel is an indication of what we are vibrating and therefore are in the process of attracting. We can know how we are vibrating by the way we feel. Good feelings equal higher vibrations, equal easy manifestation of our desires. We can change what we are feeling by the thoughts that we choose.  Choosing a better feeling thought is the name of the game. Simple, right? Makes sense, yes? So why does it not work so simply for most people?

A lot of people are not in touch with their feelings. If you don’t know what you are feeling you have no clue what you are vibrating, therefore attracting, in and out of bed.

One would think that this would be major motivation for people to tune into their feelings and make that their biggest priority, but in my experience this is not the case.

I believe it is because most people have such a love-hate relationship with their feelings. They’ve learned to ignore them as described above.

I know lots of folks who have the positive affirmations down. They never utter a negative word. They are, in fact hyper vigilant never to let a less than positive comment slip past their lips. So why don’t they have everything they want? Must be that they are not “feeling it.”  ”It” being the positive vibration that should accompany their positive demeanor.

People remain fearful of their feelings and therefore cannot access the wealth of nuances, or the creative power, or the fabulous sex, that having feelings can offer.

Being able to acknowledge and observe a feeling and not react to it with some automatic aversion is the key to your creation ability; and to a good sex life as well.

When we truly let go sexually, feelings pop up all over the place because we are in a state of surrender. And to have truly great sex we must be in that state of surrender, men and women alike. So it is a good idea to have some friendly familiarity with your feelings, so that you are not shocked when they sneak up on you in your state of let go. Otherwise you are likely to shut down your sexual enjoyment in that moment and this leads to average sex.

I’ve believed for a long time that I create my own reality, that does not mean that I am always able to create everything I want right away. I still have to work with myself every day, moment to moment, to pay attention to what I am feeling. Now I know that this is what it means to be on the pulse of life.

My assignment to you for the week, if you want to take me up on it:

-Make it the week for allowing feelings

-Slow down enough to make a little more room for your feelings, take some time out to just feel

-Celebrate every single one that you can put your finger on

-Don’t be afraid of any of them, the good, bad and the ugly.

- Once you know how you feel, use your ability to reason to choose thoughts that make you feel better. If you already feel good you can always get ecstatic.

-Stay fully conscious of this process.

- Make feeling “good” your highest priority, but know that to truly feel good you first have to feel it all!!

As always I welcome your comments. I love your thoughts and questions.

How do we define a healthy sexuality? Personally, even after 25 years of working as a sacred sex educator and Tantra teacher I find the answer is not at all easy. But just for fun and to give you some food for thought I’d like to draw you a picture.

A sexually healthy being, to me, is someone who is able to experience their own body as a pleasurable place to be, with or without a partner. Someone who can receive touch and enjoy it, someone who knows what touch they like and what touch they don’t like and is able to communicate these facts clearly and effortlessly. Someone who can receive feedback  about what touch their partner likes without getting their pride hurt  and can respond to directions from their mate about preference of touch with ease and a sense of curious discovery.

Someone who finds the act of lovemaking, when they choose to engage in it, pleasurable and fulfilling most of the time and ecstatically inspiring and deeply moving at least some of the time. Someone who is able to be honest about whether or not they are enjoying a fulfilling sex life because they trust and listen to themselves. Someone who is choosing to do something about it if the sex that they are experiencing is not as good as they sense it could be. Someone who has the ability to choose a partner or partners that they can find fulfillment and growth with in the matters of love as well as sex. Someone who knows how to enjoy themselves alone, live fully with and without others and transform their sexual energy into any creative act they wish.

What I also consider and important and healthy part of sexuality is a curiosity about where it can go? A willingness and knowing that with time it will only get better and that the possibilities are limitless.

In the ancient days of India the secret sects of Tantra emerged. The Tantrikas were people who understood the potential of sexual energy and decided to do explore, experiment and study it. Eventually they took on students and taught others about it. It’s sad that these ancient schools in India have long disappeared, that we can’t just book a plane ticket and go there and learn.

That’s why I created the audio program “Tantra, Sex for the Soul”. It offers insights, principles and exercises for people to work with on their own personal quest for sexual health and happiness.

For details about the audio course click here:

http://sacredloving.net/SacredSexStore_pages/Audio5CDs.html

I have used Tantra, and found that I can feel good on my own, but my wife isn’t that interested in sex anymore. Is there anything I can do? I do not want to look for someone else. We’ve been married 32yrs, just moved the last kid out of the house. She still loves me, I know that. So I was just looking for I guess my own release, and staying faithful. Does that make sense?

Niyaso Carter: If your wife is not interested that’s because she really doesn’t know how amazing sex can be. That is not her fault, neither is it yours, but there is things you can learn and she can learn and you can learn together that will make all the difference. Sex is supposed to be wonderful and getting better all the time in a long term relationship. If you want some pointers how to go about getting there keep reading.

And yes, you are making sense, you can find some pretty amazing pleasures all by yourself and it may be a great step toward a new sexuality for you, so a time of exploring your own sexual energy more deeply will be excellent (Specific tools for this phase of your journey can be found further down on this post). But once again I want to stress, that if your wife loves you and is not terribly ill or disabled in some way, ultimately the fabulous challenge for you will be to show her just what she is missing.

Lovemaking is supposed to get better, sweeter and more satisfying the older we get and there is no cut off point at which age we should better surrender and accept that we are old and decrepit farts that can’t have pleasure any more.

I know enough older couples that can attest to this. Yes the restless steaminess of raging hormones may leave the act at a more mature age, but oh!! the wonder and the tenderness, the energetic bliss, the deep communion that have been reported to me. The merging, the loving, the multi orgasmic ecstasy, the magnificent, subtle pleasures that many older couples have shared with me they have found. I’m a little too young to speak from personal experience, but these are real live couples that I personally know, some of which I have coached, who are enjoying life in all the best ways possible, not to mention reports that I have read.

So how do you get your wife enrolled. Often I have found that when a woman, as she ages, tells her mate that she is not longer interested in sex, it really means that, the sex she is currently experiencing is not good enough and she does not know how to change it. She is not lying to you. She simply does not know that it could and should be better and she really does not need to experience the sex that is the status quo any longer. Good for her.

Please don’t be offended, I’m no saying to you that you are a lesser lover. Not at all. You are probably as good, loving and caring as the next guy or far better, but in this culture, that’s not saying much. That’s why so many older women prefer not to get do at all. This is not the men’s fault any more than it is the woman’s. Where was the “lovemaking- skills” classes when you were 14 and then 20 and then 30? Where were the wise elders you could turn to for advice?

In this culture, they are almost totally absent. And they were absent for her too, which is why she doesn’t even know that she is missing out on something amazing. And which is why not only does she not know that it could better, if she has an inkling that it should be, she has no idea how to bring it about. And since her hormones are no longer urging her as she gets older, living without it seems the obvious solution.

That’s why I do the work I do, because it is needed. Pleasure is an important part of life and will do much to promote peace on this planet. Great sex is not something reserved for a few short years of our lives.

Anyway, your next step would be, as you assumed correctly, to do some learning for yourself and on your own as well as you experiencing some pleasure for yourself. For this I recommend that you download the relevant  tracks of my audio program “Tantra, Sex for the Soul” from I-tunes.  Of course you can order the whole program on my site, but if money is a concern, then you just need 4 tracks for now. These are the tracks for “Tantra solo practice”, or “White Tantra” as some people like to call it.

I suggest that you do those exercises everyday for a while, say for one month, and then get back to me and we can talk about the next steps. My goal for you is, that you have amazing lovemaking with your utterly delighted wife within the year. But first things first. Let’s move one step at a time.

Below are the details on the tracks of the audio program “Tantra, Sex for the Soul” and how you can obtain them:

You can get certain single tracks as well as the whole program on I-tunes but because I-tunes does not allow single tracks that are longer then 10 minutes to be sold, to get the longer single tracks that I recommend for you, you must go to CD Baby: https://www.cdbaby.com/cd/niyasocarterbox

The tracks for solo practice that I suggest are:

Track 23. Self Pleasuring for Intimacy

Track 32. Shaking: Open Your Energy

Track 33. Undulation: Open the Spine

Track 34. Microcosmic Orbit: Refine Your Energy

If you can afford the whole program I highly recommend it.

To order the program in hard copy in a pretty box with inserts and guidelines go to my site here:

http://sacredloving.net/SacredSexStore_pages/Audio5CDs.html

I hope this gives you something to work with.

I always welcome feedback.

with love and Aloha, Niyaso

By and large relationships tend to be imperfectly perfect. By that I mean that we choose exactly the person who can touch our soul, and help us learn our lessons the best, but that doesn’t always mean that we’re happy about that. The way it seems to work is that we rarely choose a partner who is easy for us, but rather a partner who is exactly who we need them to be, to help us grow spiritually. This is true even if we don’t have any spiritual aspirations whatsoever.

We don’t often choose someone who understands us all the time and who supports us unconditionally. We seem to choose precisely that person who will touch our vulnerable places the most, the things we’ve come to this earth to heal and grow through. Our soul lessons are often our blind spots and we need someone to touch them or we would ignore them. We need someone to touch them so that these wounds or soul questions can come to our awareness and be addressed and healed. Our partner seems to manage to find those spots just fine. That’s the gift and the challenge of intimate relating. Unfortunately, very often, especially in the heat of the moment, we don’t remember this. We just know that our partner did exactly the opposite of what would’ve felt good to us, and we have a lot of feelings about that.

When a couple looks from a higher perspective, they can often see how perfect they are for each other. It’s part of my job to remind couples of this purpose of their being together. It’s not wrong that you are having challenges and problems come up, it’s part of the design of things and not just an awful mishap. Just keeping this understanding in your awareness can change how you deal with situations. It will help you negotiate ways to lovingly grow and heal together. It will help you face your own pain with vulnerability instead of shutting down or blaming. You can even learn to have fun with the inevitable comedy and drama of it. And the outcome, if you keep bringing your love and creativity to it, will be fabulous.

Excerpted from the audio program ” Tantra, Sex for the Soul” by Niyaso Carter for testimonials and details clicjk here: http://sacredloving.net/SacredSexStore_pages/Audio5CDs.html

An old Sufi tradition advises us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through four gates.
At the first gate, we ask ourselves, “Are these words true?” If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go.
At the second gate we ask; “Are they necessary?”
At the third gate we ask; “Are they beneficial?” and
at the fourth gate, we ask, “Are they kind?” If the answer to any of these is no,
then what you are about to say should be left unsaid.

At the same time leaving things unsaid when it comes to your sex life is a mistake that has ruined countless marriages.  Initially, when your sex life isn’t quite how you would like it, but you don’t know exactly what to say, saying nothing is the easiest out. But over time, if you don’t speak up about what works for you and what you need, it very likely will slowly and gradually extinguish the spark. It’s a slow death but that does’t mean it’s not painful. As I work with many couples who are seeking answers for their dwindling sex life, I have a pretty good idea how it looks. It’s like death by starvation.

Unfortunately, not saying anything in an intimate relationship, when the flow and passion and fantastic sex have disappeared, or never been there in the first place,  you can’t just keep quiet. It will be the certain end of the relationship.

That’s why learning some communication skills is crucial.

I hope you have heard my point that it is necessary.
So you wonder how do I make my conversations around sex, honest, beneficial and kind.
I always recommend Marshal Rosenberg’s books and courses on Non-violent Communication Techniques. In my opinion his tools are a must for any couple that wants to be a great couple for a long time.

Here a quick synopsis of the tools. It’s four sequential steps:

Step 1) State your experience without blame.

Step 2) Say how this makes you feel.

And by the way : “I feel that you should….”   is not a feeling,

feelings are things like: happy, sad, angry, scared etc.

They don’t carry judgement

Step 3) Think about and then share what your underlying need is in the situation. Often this takes some soul-searching. We often stay on the surface with our communication and therefore miss the mark. Find out what your real need is in any situation of seemingly conflicting needs. Chances are that once you discover the underlying need there no longer is a conflict.

Once again, state your need without blame or judgement, work super hard at keeping blame and judgement out of the entire conversation.

Step 4 of the tools of non-violent communication is the most important one. Done well, step 4 may be all that you ever need.

Step 4) Let yourself know or imagine what it is you would like to experience with your partner and then ask for it in a sentence that starts with the following words:

“Would you be willing to……”

Don’t make demands, don’t complain, just ask for what you would like.

Now my homework to you: Whether you are currently in relationship or not, dream far and wide about what you would like in you sex life, let yourself imagine what you would like to experience and learn to put those dreams into words, gentle, kind, honest, vulnerable words. Don’t be too vague or your partner will not know what you really want. But ask kindly.

Remember, whatever you want to ask for, your sentence starts with:

“Would you be willing to…..”

For more skills and ideas on how to make your love life sacred, check out my audio program

Tantra,Sex for the Soul,” an Audio Home Study Course on Tantric Sex

http://sacredloving.net/SacredSexStore_pages/Audio5CDs.html

A lot of my work is about teaching people how to experience this sense of joy, wellbeing and physical delight with one another. I teach them that there is things that they can do that will create this wonderful experience. That having a great love life is not a matter of luck. That’s why I created my audio home workshop ‘Tantra, Sex for the Soul”.

But what is always important to remember is that your partner can not get you there if you are not available for it. To consistently experience wonderful sex in a long term relationship, for example, both parties need to be very tuned in to their own being.

Yes, sometimes you can be in a lousy mood and having a good lovemaking session or a powerful orgasm can change your space quickly and can make you feel so much better. But don’t count on your partner or on sex to make you feel better. It will be at best temporary.

Here is what Abraham said when asked to talk about  Tantra:

(Abraham is a group of non-physical entities channeled by Esther Hicks, who, sometimes quite irreverently, and always with great insight teaches about the Law of Attraction and finding well being.)

“Nothing in all of the universe is more delicious then being in vibrational alignment with the whole of who I am. And when I am in vibrational alignment with the whole of who I am, every cell in my body is fully connected to that source energy and so the movement of energy  and the movement of feeling, the movement of emotion through my body is more exaggerated during my alignment time then any other time.

To be in alignment with my source and to be in the physical proximity with physical touch of another person who is also in in alignment with their own source, is the most sublime physical experience that ever exists.

And it is not a surprise to me (we’re speaking from your perspective) that the absolute and actual creation and regeneration of the  species of which we are a part happens during that glorious physical interaction.

Nothing is more delicious then to be physically focused, in alignment with source energy and in physical contact with another who is also in physical alignment , in vibrational alignment with the source within them. It just does not get any better then that.”

So what’s the moral of the story.  That is is much more useful to find your own sense of well being first for yourself rather then to expect your partner to get you there. Or another way of putting it:

True amazing connection happens when you are in tune with yourself first and your partner is in tune with themselves. Any meeting from that place is divine and you don’t need any fancy techniques. You need to learn the practice of coming into aligment with yourself, that’s all. This is actually really good news because it means that you have control over the situation. If you are wondering how to find this attunement to your inner being or source, I recommend to you the books and audio materials of Abraham.

This approach has another good news factor, it means that while you are single, maybe waiting for the next relationship, there is lots you can do to prepare yourself for a better experience than you ever experienced before.

Nothing is more worthwhile then bringing your focus to this endeveour of finding your wellbeing on your own, no matter what is happening around you. Because not only will you have great sex, the rest of your life will be wonderful too.

Then, once you have learned how to nourish your connection with inner being, or source, any tool or technique that you choose to pick up to enhance your intimate relating will work like a charm.

For more information and details on the audio program “Tantra, Sex for the Soul go to: http://sacredloving.net/SacredSexStore_pages/Audio5CDs.html

Movies have the potential to be the best possible sex education because everyone watches movies, so people could actually see a role-modeling of what loving, sacred, caring and conscious sex looks like just by watching an entertaining movie, but unfortunately we don’t get that opportunity. In fact the sex scenes in movies seem to get worse and worse as the years go by.

As there is increasing public permission over the decades to show more and more overt sex acts in movies, it seems that this has only led to more gross and over-the-top-silly movie sex scenes. A little further down I will make some suggestions to those of you who are parents what you can do to help your kids when watching these kinds of movie scenes.

I am not talking about pornography movies here, that porn is not good sex education goes without saying, I’m talking about middle of the road PG13 and R-rated and unrated movies, blockbuster movies where the sex scene is more or less incidental.

The other day I watched a movie that Netflix called a feel-good family comedy/drama which was also warmly recommended by several of my friends. When it came to the sex scene in the movie I couldn’t help but cringe. It was heartless,  ”fuck-like-a-bunny” type of sex, desperate and mechanical.

And that’s not the only movie that I have with a scene like  this. I am finding that I am mostly disgusted by the sex scenes in recent movies. But even more I am saddened  because these are the movies that our children are seeing. This is the only sex education they are getting. As a sacred sex educator and Tantra teacher and as a liberal open-minded woman with a healthy sexual appetite and an ability to enjoy sex in lots of ways, I can’t help but cringe at most sex scenes in movies nowadays. Yet this is what our impressionable young ones, who have nothing else to compare it with, get served up as normal sex; the unspoken implication is that this is how it’s done, because it’s the only thing they ever get to see.

I am myself a mother and a friend of mine single-handedly provides all the schools of the entire island here with basic sex-ed, so I know very well what passes for sex education in schools and in society today. There really is hardly such a thing as public sex education. The children learn what a condom is and what kinds of STDs exist and how one can get pregnant, and that is usually the extent of any formal sex education in school. That is if sex-ed is not strictly limited to the ridiculous “Just Say No” theme. In that case they dont’ even need to know that much, since they will be following this sage advice and saying no to their natural instincts alltogether. Sarcasm intended.

There  is no sex education for kids and teenagers, no verbal, printed, auditory or visual imagery of sweet, healthy, tender, sacred, loving sex easily and readily available anywhere.

Older movies served kids a lot more in that respect. There was romance, there was tender kissing, there was sensuality, things went slow. Today, even in movies that actually have some level of emotional depth, the sex scenes are often out of synch with the actual movie, it’s almost as if Hollywood has only one single director for sex scenes that they call in for all the sex scenes in all the movies. They pretty much all go somethinglike this:

They rip each others clothes off in a hurry, stumble over furniture to get to each other, crash a few vases and lamps in the process, foreplay is ommitted alltogether, and the more chaotic the better. And then they go at it at top speed, hard and fast, almost desperate, with no preamble, or epilogue for that matter. The whole thing lasts a few seconds, then the drama of the movie continues where it left off and nothing further gets spoken about the intense sex we have just witnessed.

When I see these scenes I can’t help but think of the kids and teenagers that are seeing this. What must they be thinking and feeling? I know what some of them are thinking because they have told me, some of them are grossed out. But there is that little bit of a place in them where they are wondering: This must be how it is supposed to be done? I must be the one that is weird for not liking it? I should probably act more like this? They see scenes like that over and over with just slightly changed scenarios and they don’t see anything else unless they happen to watch an occasional classic oldie movie. Repeated visual imprints like this are not easily overridden, even by common sense.

One thing parents can do while watching a movie with their kids, or anytime after the movie is over, is to make a light-hearted comment, something like: “You know that sex doesn’t look like that in real life, right?” or: “They make these scenes extra silly because its a movie, real life sex is nothing like this.” Say anything that draws the kids attention to the fact that what they are watching is not how real life is.

If you are talking to a boy you could say something like: This is not what girls really like, this is just a silly movie scene, nothing to do with real life. If you are talking to a girl, you could say: Don’t ever think that girls need to like it that way, sex is a lot sweeter then that. This is just a badly done movie scene, in real life it is so much nicer.

The visual imprint is strong, especially for males who are usually more visual and who can get easily stimulated by any kind of sex scene. Still, even though making a comment is a small thing, it can make a big difference. If your kids hear such comments often enough, at least it will get them wondering about the whole thing.

And if you are an adult who is wondering the same things, let me assure you that sex as depicted in movies or romance/thriller novels is not how real life, healthy, loving sex takes place, far from it. So often in my work, when I describe what  healthy sex, awesome sex looks like or when I give specific assignments, I get such relieved looks from people. Men and women alike tell me how glad they are that they have found me and my way of explaining sacred and tantric sex. They are so relieved that they no longer feel the pressure to mold themselves into what they have come to see as the norm.

Please know that all humans, including you, have an inbuilt knowing as to what is sacred sex. Trust it. Don’t let modern media confuse you. Your heart and body know better.

The movie “The Secrets of Sacred Sex” that I co-created several years ago was a great first attempt to offer something different to the viewing public. My next video project will be even more amazing. Anyone wishing to help me with it is welcome, please contact me.

If you have not seen  ”The Secrets of Sacred Sex” you can find it here http://sacredloving.net/Video.html